Vacation…

We are here….after nine hours of travel yesterday!  Omg….my kids first long car trip, they were nuts by the end.  Then I get here and didn’t get the room I wanted.  I was soooooooo pissed.  I was coveting that room for months, because of the bathroom!  It has a glorious sink in tub with jets.  Now mind you I have tiny bathrooms at home, and my back and neck have been killing me.  So I built it all up in my head sinking into this amazing tub and relaxing…..then BAM!  Bubble pops as my mil tells me I have to take the other room cuz its closer to the kids room…and our room has a queen plus a twin so if one the kids want to sleep with us it’s better….blah blah blah.  Oh and their friends are coming and they get the room I wanted.  I’m like really?  WTF?  All the rooms are on the same floor…what the hell does it matter?  Plus the tv in the room we have is in a stupid spot.  I told her months ago I wanted the awesome room and why.  So being massively sunburned, pms-ing, tired from driving nine hours, and back aching…I threw the equivalent of a tantrum last night.  I went straight to my assigned bedroom to huffily put away our stuff as I muttered under my breath how stupid it was that I had to stay in this stupid room.  I wanted the walk in closet with the massive bathroom!  These in laws and their friends have loads of money, their houses are nice…they experience this allllllll the time!  Why the hell can’t I for once get one small luxury?  I was ready to get in the car in the morning and drive home.  My hubby couldn’t understand why I was so mad, boys could bath with a garden hose they don’t care about shit like that. UGH! 

Ok so I wake up this morning, still mad.  I post to my gratitude group while feeling quite ungratitudy.  Hubs leaves with his Dad to do some junking.  I seriously take like 2 hours to get ready. Mil asks me if I want to take the kids to the stables.  I say sure when I am done getting ready…which I leisurely do for another hour.  Sunriver, Oregon is a resort town.  There is a shuttle that takes you anywhere you want to go. It’s gorgeous here.  I mean I am staying two houses down from Mr. Nike. Yes, that’s right his name is Nike for real…and he owns the company.  The house I’m in is amazingly beautiful.  Yes all this and I am sulking like a spoiled brat.  So I try to change my attitude a bit, ok there is still a hot tub for my back.  Then my mil asks if I am ready to leave, I say yeah grudgingly.  She then hands me money for expenses and tells me to let her know if I need more, plus hands me a resort card that charges everything back to the house… food, excursions, shopping…whatever I want.  Then she tells me my spa appointment is booked for tomorrow.  Yep I now feel like asshole of the year.  Okie dokie…out of the poor me funk now in the I’m a jerk funk.  So what is the lesson?   Don’t be a brat when you aren’t paying for anything….be grateful you gotta go in the first place!  Am I super emotional because I stopped drinking and think I should get exactly what I want all the time?  I mean I almost cried last night.  Oh poor me…free vacation and I am stomping my feet like a child over a damn bathroom?  Wow…what an emotional roller coaster.  Jeez.  Sorry for the ranting, but I have to process all these crazy feelings. 

Day 8…

What a freaking lovely day today was.  I drove with a crabby hungover hubby for 3 hours round trip to run an errand.  I laughed and teased him that I felt great.  He has cut way back since I have stopped, but the night before he hung with the bff.  I told him to come to bed at 10:30 pm, he had to get up early since he need to run this said errand. He said I’m fine. I said ok, but you are gonna regret it.  Well I was right, of course.  He said I should have forced him…lol that never worked with me.  Anyhow…It’s soooooo nice that out of the last 55 days that I started this journey that 54 of my mornings were amazing feel good mornings.  Alas, I reset my counter due to the fact I felt like shit the morning after the 4th of July and Belle’s challenge invite. So no use in mourning that reset.  It really cemented my desire to be free of alcohol.  I needed that harsh reality that the true journey of my life has no space for booze. I found out today that hubs had talked to his Dad yesterday about his cutting back and my quitting all together.  There, I guess that takes the pressure out of the upcoming vacation with them.  I was worried about the temptations of vacation wolfie, but it sooooo makes it easier when people know you quit.  There is zero shame in putting that beast down.  Oh, but being a lush with your kids around the in-laws, well that mother of the year material….not!

So we drove home, went to an awesome lunch.  I had the most amazing raspberry chipotle chicken salad, no dressing needed.  Then came home did chores, played wii for hours with the kiddies.  All while poor hubs tried to nap off his hangover, but couldn’t cuz kids were so loud and happy playing with me.  Awwwww…not sorry for you:-)! Later we got some pizza and took kids and dog to park to play as the sun went down.  My muscles were sore from my new exercise kick, but I didn’t mind as I ran around playing hide and seek.  Had I still been drinking the voodoo vino, I would not have had this productive Saturday. I would have been on the couch sipping away tonight instead of going to the park enjoying my kids and the lovely summer evening. Ummm yeah…best decision ever made…quitting the hooch!

Well oh boy!

Ok awhile back I posted a couple picks of some swimsuits I ordered.  They were chinese sizing, lol, so I had to get an XL.  Jeez…anyhow I got them.  Mind you I have only exercised once, eeeeeek.  I wondered if I was going to have to grease myself up to fit into them.  I jumped around, yanked, pulled and got those bitches on, they are like an american medium.  Now I still have a ways to go in the being fit department, in fact after I post I am going to workout.  I am only posting the pics because a… it’s anonymous and b…I cropped out my head…heeehee.

Now I need a tan baaaaaaad….and could lose some pounds.  But I am freaking thrilled, working with what I got. Day 7…again….is a good day.  Gotta go….gotta get to sweating!

15 years ago today….

I got married.  We are still together, have been so for a total of 20 years.  Its been good, it’s been bad, it’s been ugly.  Here we are…still alive lol!  That is a freakin accomplishment!  Day 6 of Belle’s challenge.  No vino for me…just a 5 hour energy shot in my cherry limeade sparkling ice!  We are going on a nice vacation next week to Sunriver, Oregon, so we decided just to forgo all the hoopla and celebrate then.  I’m relieved a bit cuz, if we went out tonight I would have prolly wanted a nice expensive glass of vino.  Wanted is the key word, I wouldn’t have had it though…100 day challenge and all keeping me accountable.  I’m nervous next week will be hard.  I have to shrug it off and not think about it.  There will be lots of treats on my vacay to look forward too.  I have a spa day already booked, horseback riding, fishing, water park, and observatory visits.  It will be 10 days.  So I am excited to get away, my first sober vacay…..eek! Not today…not tomorrow…not next week.  Oh lord please help me!  Thank you all so much.  I read your blogs everyday.  I am struggling right along with you, and my heart goes out to each and everyone of you.  I will pray for you and myself that god forties us with strength and determination to keep on the right path everyday!

Cartwheels in the Park….

And squats, push ups, jumping jacks, and planks. Small start this morning but I did it! Thought I might have dislocated a hip with the cartwheels…ouch…lol. Wow…but anyhow after 4 12 hour shifts I think thats great. Love feeling good in the morning.

Day 3…

I would have had 50 days sober had I not chose to blow it.  But now I’m back to day three.  So being inspired by the pop star Kesha…. “I got my sober hot pants on and up, and no you don’t wanna mess with us, got jesus on my necklace!”  Lol…anyhow sober blog read pretty much all day.  Can you read too much…idk but I just can’t worry about that addiction:-)!  I pretty much am tired of thinking of drinking…thanks Belle!  I want to think about exercise, healthy foods, cleaning, being a good/fun interactive mom.  I don’t want to think of my vacation on the 17th or that I signed up for the 100 day challenge in which not one drop may be consumed.  I would love it, God, if you could erase all thoughts of alcohol.  Like it doesn’t even exist.  Wouldn’t that be freaking ass dandy?  Ugh why me? Why do I have to have this crap filled relationship with stupid booze?  Well if everything happens for a reason, what is the damn reason?

Enough whining, I’m just tired from working three 12 hour shifts.  One more to go…so not today….today I will go home, snuggle the babies, watch some tv and go to sleep!

Day 2….100 day challenge….

Ok, so I’m going to officially reset my counter since I tried dabbling a bit with alcohol.  I’m doing Belle’s 100 day challenge.  Not a drop…I can do this!  I want to do this! 

I’ve got it thru my thick skull….

Alcohol sucks ass.  I hate it and it hates me.  I had some beers (stupid unfiltered micro brews) last night while lighting fireworks.  I didn’t eat dinner.  Woke up feeling like a nasty bum.  I absolutely abhor hangovers.  I know God was like “See my dear, now was that worth it?  Haven’t you been loving how you feel since you stopped?”  No God it wasn’t worth it.  I was tired all day at work. I ate bad today.  Ugh!!!!!  I have no tolerance anymore for it.  I didn’t get mean or nasty.  I just went to sleep.  But when I woke up I was not happy at all.  I couldn’t fathom how I was ever able to function hungover like I used to.  Big slap in the face….Whaaaaaaap….you dumb girl….you love being sober!  Duh….done done done.  I don’t even want to moderate it, I don’t want to give it one second of my energy.  I love my sober blogging family, thank you for putting up with my blubbering ass!  I know a lot of us newbies have these blips and bumps, but it is all about learning the lessons if your heart is truely ready.  So yes God thank you for setting my ass straight again and not giving up on me.

eek . . . i have been bad….

OK so in keeping with this whole honesty thing . . . I had a beer at lunch yesterday with hubs.  Last week my friend came out for a few days.  I didn’t drink the first day, she did.  I had two normal sized drinks the next day. The day after we hung by the pool as my two girlfriends drank and I did not.  I mindfully did not want anymore than I had.  I wasn’t feigning for more. I had what I had and was content.  I did not get drunk or feel tipsy.  I do not ever want to be drunk again.  I know I need to not let myself slip back into that fuck it mentality. I was depressed for awhile and used alcohol as an escape, I didn’t care. I snapped my ass out of it, I do care now!!  For a period of 6 months I just checked out. I know how unhealthy and horrible it was to drink to excess, I hated it. I love waking up every day and feeling good. I am not willing to give that up! I promised myself and my children that I would never be like that again and I intend to keep that promise.  I want to keep my head clear and be in control and I know that means not having more than two drinks for me.  I know it also means not drinking regularly, daily or even weekly.  I have still been reading blogs and keeping my mind saturated with sober thoughts.  I want to be this mindful, thoughtful person so badly.  I think I am doing a fair job.  I know that I am human and not perfect.  I also know that this journey will not be black and white for me.  I feel guilty, like I let all of you down in some way.  But this is my journey and I have started down the right path finally.  I may have a few bumps along the way, but as long as they are bumps and not huge pot holes to sink in to I am ok with that. Did I drink to test myself? To test my new found resolve to be a responsible adult that enjoys in moderation, like I have in the past? Yes, probably. I am super competitive even with myself. Do I want to go back to how I felt and how I acted? NOPE! Plus I still can’t get over consuming too many empty calories from alcohol, not worth the spare tire to me!!! =)

So for me, I am still on my sober journey. I still consider myself on the wagon. I still do not want to “party” or drink at social gatherings/parties. I do not want to be that annoying repetitive hot mess everyone shakes their head at. I want to be the sober person that can always drive. I want to be the person you can call at anytime and know I can help you.