….and nine lbs to go until I fit the recommended weight range for my new swimsuits ( see lasts posts….asian sizing…argh). Hubs went camping today with a friend. House to myself…WHAT WHAT! My bff from high school is coming to hang. Why am I blogging when I should be exercising? Cuz I’m the queen of procrastination, that’s why! And I need to straighten up the house. I got about 4 hours of sleep as hubby came to bed at midnight and woke up at 4 am to leave, wtf kinda crazy person does that? CAFFEINE HELP!!!!!!!
Fast forward….took kids to gymnastics…cleaned house…friend came…went to store…fed all kids…watched ‘Dirty Love’ (most hilarious movie ever). It’s now 11pm, I’m beat. She drank, I told her it doesn’t bother me and she’s such a lightweight anyhow. Not tempted in the slightest. Not a bad day 37….hope they are all easy like this, not likely but one can hope!
Still hanging in there…plugging away. Got a trip coming up soooooooo, now that I have the drinking thing handled I need to get the exercise started. So this week no excuses I’m going to start working out. Momma is going to have to wear a bathing suit, ugh, the arch nemesis of mothers everywhere! I am going to have to pray for some motivation! Yeah I ordered some cute non marmy swimdresses from amazon, they were asian sizing. An extra large said it fit 130-140 lbs….omg lol..
My hubby wanted to make braicole, and it calls for wine in the sauce. He said we will just pour out the rest, and all the wine in the sauce cooks off. I just bought a cheapy bottle, nothing I would feel remorseful over not being able to sip. At the store, I stocked up on my fizzy berry water. I went down the chip and soda aisle and shouted ‘Jesus loves me! Real Dr. Pepper in a bottle made with sugar!’ Hubby laughed at me. We went home, and made an amazing dinner. No sadness over not being able to drink the rest of the wine while dinner was cooking. I cracked my Dr. Pepper and relished every beautiful sip while watching my kiddies play in the pool. I thought only one….too many empty calories. I then laughed at myself because I didn’t think twice about killing a 600 calorie bottle of vino, heck two bottles if friends were over….1200 liquid empty calories. Jeez, how booze brain will rationalize the useless consumption of wasted toxic calories. Hey it’s cool, yeah don’t worry…I will just make you act like an ass, fat and wreck your liver. I’m super glamorous and if you stick with me I will become a sucking blackout vortex that will steal your life……bwaaaaaahahaha!
Ummmmm no thanks, bottle is in the fridge not waiting for me to drink it. But waiting to tenderize a sweet cut of meat to make my MIL’S famous lasagna. I still can’t waste good booze, lol…sorry old drinking joke. I have no thoughts of sneaking a sip. Now the Dr. Pepper on the other hand, that doesn’t stand a chance! And I will cut a bitch if they think they are gonna drink one, I’m not sharing!
I have been reading over the sober blogosphere today and I feel particularly proud of all of you out there. So many new bloggers today and new to sobriety bloggers these last few months. Along with our old faithfuls, who have been at it awhile, who are keeping on track and keeping it real. Showing us newbies that there is hope. It is such a hard thing to realize that you have a problem, and stop on your own, but then to open yourself up and blog about it…well that is monumental!! I feel pride as I read all of your journeys. I feel a sense of community… not isolation. We all know how, at our darkest moments, we all felt alone and isolated like no one else could possibly understand us. We felt like people looked down on us and our horrible drunken behavior. This blog community has been my outlet, my entertainment, and my sober buddy this last month. No judgement, just acceptance and support. I honestly think without it and all of you, I may have caved. So thank you dearly, ALL of you. You are being read, you are being heard…even if not everyone comments…we are reading!! Thank you everyone!! Please keep at it, keep sober, and keep doing what ever you need to do to stay sane without alcohol.
So yesterday was hubby’s 39th bday and father’s day. I actually made a cake….I never bake! I even let my lil chilly’s help. It was so cute. Went to visit the in laws at their beautiful property. It was lovely. I had the world’s crappiest sleep as my kids insisted on sleeping both with me in a twin bed. The in laws have a guest cottage but we opted to just sleep in the kids room, as not to have my mil have to clean the cottage (they are type a clean freaks). So dear hubby got a nice twin all to himself, while the munchkins forced me to sleep on two inches of bed with a knee in my back and random body parts flopped around on me at two hour intervals. I know I am loved dearly but jeez. So I wake up to my rooster son, everyday around six….yay me! Throat raw, stuffed up. I felt like I sawed a whole forest down with my snoring.
Fast forward , we get home and I cave. I went off strike to clean and organize my kid’s rooms. Toys, clothes, all of it. Hubs actually helped…I about fell over. He felt bad, it was actually horrendous. They are tazmanian devils leaving a path of broken crayons and Legos in their wakes. It is like being a cartel mule trying to smuggle out old toys while they are around. So my 30 days was celebrated feverish, blowing my bloody nose, while cleaning. But I would have never done this hungover, so it is my confetti of broken crayon bits I enjoyed silently. I didn’t even tell hubby it was 30 days…but he thinks every day I am truely me is wonderful. That is enough.
Ok, please forgive me for the wavering and whining in my last post…Hammie (which my bff has so lovingly named a long time ago, who some you know to be wolfie) got on her wheel and just ran amok. Hammie loves to be the center of attention and lately I haven’t let her be. So she got all crazy and made me doubt myself. I reached out to a friend one year plus sober, then did some more blog reading. She told me, yes, it still sucks sometimes but not drinking is still the best decision for her. That being a sloppy hot mess won’t win you any thing but regret and shame, in a nutshell.
Am I a person who can control herself for the rest of her life? Why try to prove it so early in the game? It’s a family vacation not freaking Vegas. However, when I did go to Vegas I was really good both times and did not get crazy. Sooooo, yes I know I can when I want to control myself when I’m focused on it. But why take the time and energy to focus on controlling myself, when I should focus on the moment? The sweet smiles and laughter of my children, that I might miss if I’m thinking about what I’m drinking, how much and when to stop. Poop on that! I am a super freaking fun, funny person. That’s right I am AWESOME! I have the power God gave me to squash all my enemies, even Hammie, thru his strength and grace! My heavenly father made me special and perfect just as I am, not born with a wine glass in my hand!!!!! We all know god don’t make no junk. I am beautiful, strong, independent, loving, loyal, and fierce. So stand down Hammie cuz I will beat shit out of you! BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!
Sooooo I spent three hours pulling weeds in my humongous garden today. I listened to my katy perry station on pandora….TGIF pretty much sum up my party days, well minus the menage a trois and arrest warrants lol. Anyhow, I thought a lot during those three hours. Like, wow, a lot of songs I love are about drinking, oh well still like them. Then I fantasized about getting a bottle of sparkling pinot grigio and drinking it later that evening cuz I would deserve it, and I was annoyed still with hubs. Then I imaginarily felt really ashamed at myself for giving in and drinking it. I was like damn now I have to start my counter over again. Then I’m like hey I’m going on vacay in july….will I have a glass then with the in laws at a no doubt fancy dinner they will take us too? What about at the pool in the resort….wait where the hell is your mind going E? Well, you can and have controlled yourself in the past. You have only been bad recently because you were like fuck it I don’t care anymore….but I do care now. Will it be ok to just have one so I don’t look like a weirdo? They have known me for 20 years…I’m not going to be like, hey, yeah so I don’t drink anymore cuz I let it start taking over my life recently and I hated myself. I was blacking out and passing out while my five year old covered me with blankets. But I swear I’m okay now….really…no I won’t be a drunk idiot around the in-laws. I mean I know I won’t. Do I start the counter over then? Does one drink literally signify that you lost, or is getting shit canned the determining factor? And why the hell am I reasoning with myself…I do not ever plan on getting drunk ever again. I know exactly how much wine gets me to that point, so I can avoid that much like the plague. I want to be that normal drinker who drinks on rare occasions like two tops.
Am I? What am I? Am I an alcoholic or just an unhappy person who was self medicating instead of taking things head on? I have been thinking a lot lately about everything…that is what clear headed people do. Why is my fervor and passion wavering and questioning about a month from now? Why do I resent my drunk self for ruining my up coming vacation with this not drinking a drop crap? Well you dumb shit it’s because drunk E is on permanent time out in the naughty chair! Drunk E messed that up for you. (In a whiney voice) but that’s not fair I never get drunk around them, well like only once like 8 years ago and that is because some asshole was making super strong bloody marys and giving them to me. Hubby’s dad actually yelled at the guy, he had never seen me like that. I didn’t drink hard alcohol all that often and had zero tolerance for it….ok so other than that, I have been on numerous vacays with them and never get shitty. Why the fuck am I having anxiety over this…..booooohooooo.
I’m rambling, I know! But It’s my blog and I can so there. Ugh all these feelings and questions. I know the right thing is just to not at all, but can I? Am I that strong, even though I know it will be very little, to say no? They are very responsible drinkers, never over indulgent. It is easy to be that way also….Ugh I am mad at myself that I didn’t have better control so I didn’t end up here in the first place!!!!!!