Archive | May 2014

The proverbial straw…

Ok, now I’m going to write about the events that lead up to my decision to quit the sauce for good.  I had been drinking alot more frequently in the last six months.  I was using stress and the need to relax as my excuse for over indulging.  At least twice a week I was getting shnockered.  I am not very nice when I get drunk, one stupid little thing will set me off.  I have that awesome Irish/German temper. I was trying to reason with myself, and I had given up hard alcohol already a long time ago.  But I love wine….red or white….love love love!  I could kill one bottle like nothing, and if I had another bottle I would crack that.  So trying to be a responsible drinker, I reasoned that hey I don’t like beer all that much so I won’t drink alot.  I thought it was a fabby idea to just drink beer while socializing….I have never blacked out or passed out on it, or done stupid shit.  Yep, problem solved…..WRONG!

One of my best friends was gonna come hang like she often does.  She is not a big drinker….lightweight….jeez :-).   Anyhow, we were having a great time and lo and behold nine hours later I had drank like 14 or 15 beers.  Now I had a good buzz, wasn’t all sloppy.  Hey I knew I had alot, but I’m a rockstar and I got this!  Yeah….noooooooope!  My hubby managed to say something that got under my skin, and I went all Jekyll and Hyde on him.  I yelled at him for three hours from 12:30 am to 3:30 am in my front yard.   I’m sure I woke the  neighbors.  I said every horrible thing in the book, no stone was left unturned.  I mean shit, he was even responsible for the drought we are in, just kidding.  But you get my drift.  The worst part is I knew exactly what I was doing, but couldn’t stop. My poor 5 year old daughter woke up and was begging me to go to sleep and stop fighting.

Now my hubby has his share of faults but he didn’t deserve this.  When I got up later that morning I knew I fucked up big time.  My daughter told me just apologize mom, it is your fault.  And it was my fault.  I proceeded to sob for an hour about what a big mess I was.  I finally got it, I can’t drink!   It doesn’t relax me or relieve my stress it makes everything worse! Usually I’m blacked out and can’t remember what I did or said, but I remembered every last crappy detail.  Oh I proceeded to get a massive cry headache, hubby actually felt  bad for me and made me some toast.  Which I threw up, so he made me more.  If the shoe was on the other foot, I would have been like serves you right jerk off.  But he unbelievably forgave me when he saw my true despair.  I have never accepted that I had a problem.  I ALWAYS was like, I don’t drink everyday and I can have a couple and stop. It’s not my fault that I’m a small statured female and I blackout because I don’t eat when I drink alot.  It was all one big fat lie.  Alcohol makes liars of the best of us.  Alcohol itself is a fat liar liar pants on fire.  It doesn’t make you smart, sexy or cool.  You actually look like a fat dumbass and people laugh at you not with you.  It was  50\50 toss up whether it was gonna be a good night or bad night partying with me.  When I’m good, I’m oh so good.  When I’m bad, I’m very very bad!

I promised my daughter from that moment on I would put her and my younger son first.  She would never have to see mommy mad like that again, or passed out on the couch.  She would cover me with blankets and never leave my side.  She told me she loved me sooooo much and I was her best mom ever.  Well, I am their only mother and I will be damned if I ever behave like that again.  It’s not an option.  They are young enough to have these memories fade into nothing if I fill the future with good ones.

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ten days

Wow second night in a row I write for an hour and my blog fails to post and is lost.  I really want to be mad right now, the devil must just hate it that my words have power.  Like good ole Joyce Meyers says “don’t let the devil steal your joy!”…..so F you devil I’m gonna keep at it.

Good and evil are in the power of the tounge.  I wholeheartedly believe that.  Well back to my ten days…I haven’t even been the least bit tempted to have a drink.

I prayed the day I quit for God to help me, to just completely take away the desire.  I believe he has.  I’m not a churchy person although I was raised in the church.  I believe god meets us where we are.  He is everywhere.  I truely opened my heart and asked for help to overcome my desire to drink.  I would pray before for help but I never truly meant it…this time I did mean it. I knew if I did not stop now my children would grow up thinking it was acceptable to behave this way…mom does it, so it can’t be bad.  Heck no!  My kids are a gift and I refuse to screw them up.  Life is hard enough.  I still curse a blue streak, that’s next on my quit list.  Now that may be a real challenge…lol!

Once again, another day I will try again to tell you about the last day I drank and how I came to realize I was a big bag of crap if I didn’t slap out of it.  So stay tuned…and don’t let the devil steal your joy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m wondering….

Where the heck my post just went that I spent an hour pouring my heart into.  Published it…then nothing but the title shows up…omg…I even saved the freaking draft…this sucks hard!  I’m to tired to rewrite it!  Booooooooooo!

Who knew I could do that?!

     Well I surprised myself today!  Something that at my ripe age of 36, had no clue I could do.  I went to a bbq/pool party with people I had know for 20 years, alcohol all around me, and I didn’t drink!  Not a sip.  I was girded with my double walled insulated drink cup filled with pelligrino and frozen berries.   Did I miss my usual chilled chardonnay with frozen berries….nope.   Did I have great coversations and fun without it….yep.  Well I will be darned.  My friends did take notice, with mild suprise, of my abstinence.  I was truthful and told them I was just over drinking and it’s crappy effects on me.   Being long time companions of mine, and having witnessed said choice crappy effects first hand, they kindly nodded and said they were cutting back in their own lives.  This spurred some enlightened conversations of the negative effects alcohol has had in all our lives and how we are just all over it!

     My favorite part was when it was time to go there was no waiting period or who drank less should drive…I just grabbed my keys and was on my merry way.  Will it always feel this easy to abstain….I sure hope.  Do I pray for god to help with the desire to drink….I sure do.  Some good advice I took to heart from other sober blogs was don’t worry about the past or future, just focus on today.  Today you will not drink….one day at a time.  I cannot remember one get together that I have not drank at….other than my baby showers.  I am proud of me!

My first ever post…

It is Sunday…I worked two 12 hour shifts in a row…and I’m beat.   I am currently enjoying snuggle time with my dd (dear daughter).   It has been one week since my last drink.   I had a straw that broke the camel’s back moment last Saturday night/Sunday morning.  I’m to tired right now to run thru the details, but rest assured I will share in the future.

I had my first drink (drunk fest) at 14, my girlfriends and I snuck into their parents liquor cabinet.  BOY WAS IT FUN!  I thought it was a good idea to try on bikinis…one over the other…I had like seven on.  We laughed ourselves silly.  I drank again when it was available like any teenager does. I started partying more around 18. I had a roaring 20’s, lots of parties and fun. I bought a house at 22, graduated college for my career at 24. Got a fabulous job, which I still have and love. I had kids in my early 30’s. Still had loads of fun thru my mid 30’s. Then I got really depressed around six months ago, and started drinking a lot. Bills, fighting with hubs, stress, deaths… all just took their toll.

To be continued…I wanted to get something out before I chickened out…night all!