eek . . . i have been bad….

OK so in keeping with this whole honesty thing . . . I had a beer at lunch yesterday with hubs.  Last week my friend came out for a few days.  I didn’t drink the first day, she did.  I had two normal sized drinks the next day. The day after we hung by the pool as my two girlfriends drank and I did not.  I mindfully did not want anymore than I had.  I wasn’t feigning for more. I had what I had and was content.  I did not get drunk or feel tipsy.  I do not ever want to be drunk again.  I know I need to not let myself slip back into that fuck it mentality. I was depressed for awhile and used alcohol as an escape, I didn’t care. I snapped my ass out of it, I do care now!!  For a period of 6 months I just checked out. I know how unhealthy and horrible it was to drink to excess, I hated it. I love waking up every day and feeling good. I am not willing to give that up! I promised myself and my children that I would never be like that again and I intend to keep that promise.  I want to keep my head clear and be in control and I know that means not having more than two drinks for me.  I know it also means not drinking regularly, daily or even weekly.  I have still been reading blogs and keeping my mind saturated with sober thoughts.  I want to be this mindful, thoughtful person so badly.  I think I am doing a fair job.  I know that I am human and not perfect.  I also know that this journey will not be black and white for me.  I feel guilty, like I let all of you down in some way.  But this is my journey and I have started down the right path finally.  I may have a few bumps along the way, but as long as they are bumps and not huge pot holes to sink in to I am ok with that. Did I drink to test myself? To test my new found resolve to be a responsible adult that enjoys in moderation, like I have in the past? Yes, probably. I am super competitive even with myself. Do I want to go back to how I felt and how I acted? NOPE! Plus I still can’t get over consuming too many empty calories from alcohol, not worth the spare tire to me!!! =)

So for me, I am still on my sober journey. I still consider myself on the wagon. I still do not want to “party” or drink at social gatherings/parties. I do not want to be that annoying repetitive hot mess everyone shakes their head at. I want to be the sober person that can always drive. I want to be the person you can call at anytime and know I can help you.

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4 thoughts on “eek . . . i have been bad….

  1. I read somewhere it takes 6-12 months to change a habit. Maybe that’s what you’ve achieved. I’d say kudos to you for being able to drink responsibly. There’s no harm in that. An addiction is classified as a behaviour that you repeat, despite the negative impact on your life. A couple of drinks with friends? Be kinder to yourself. Sounds like you’re in a good place right now. It also sounds like you’ve developed a pretty intuitive inner voice and you’ll know when and if get to the point where you need to pull up again. It’s all part of the journey. X

    • Thank you! I talk to myself all day long…lol..my hammie I call her. She has wised up a lot these days. I’m still trying to wade thru all these emotions and thoughts and it really helped to take a loooooooong break from alcohol. I see so clearly it’s role in my life is, which is very little, and I like it that way.:-)

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