OK so in keeping with this whole honesty thing . . . I had a beer at lunch yesterday with hubs. Last week my friend came out for a few days. I didn’t drink the first day, she did. I had two normal sized drinks the next day. The day after we hung by the pool as my two girlfriends drank and I did not. I mindfully did not want anymore than I had. I wasn’t feigning for more. I had what I had and was content. I did not get drunk or feel tipsy. I do not ever want to be drunk again. I know I need to not let myself slip back into that fuck it mentality. I was depressed for awhile and used alcohol as an escape, I didn’t care. I snapped my ass out of it, I do care now!! For a period of 6 months I just checked out. I know how unhealthy and horrible it was to drink to excess, I hated it. I love waking up every day and feeling good. I am not willing to give that up! I promised myself and my children that I would never be like that again and I intend to keep that promise. I want to keep my head clear and be in control and I know that means not having more than two drinks for me. I know it also means not drinking regularly, daily or even weekly. I have still been reading blogs and keeping my mind saturated with sober thoughts. I want to be this mindful, thoughtful person so badly. I think I am doing a fair job. I know that I am human and not perfect. I also know that this journey will not be black and white for me. I feel guilty, like I let all of you down in some way. But this is my journey and I have started down the right path finally. I may have a few bumps along the way, but as long as they are bumps and not huge pot holes to sink in to I am ok with that. Did I drink to test myself? To test my new found resolve to be a responsible adult that enjoys in moderation, like I have in the past? Yes, probably. I am super competitive even with myself. Do I want to go back to how I felt and how I acted? NOPE! Plus I still can’t get over consuming too many empty calories from alcohol, not worth the spare tire to me!!! =)
So for me, I am still on my sober journey. I still consider myself on the wagon. I still do not want to “party” or drink at social gatherings/parties. I do not want to be that annoying repetitive hot mess everyone shakes their head at. I want to be the sober person that can always drive. I want to be the person you can call at anytime and know I can help you.