I am still here. Still trying to not be a drunk a$$hole. Busy with work, school, mini vacays, mom stuff etc. Trying to fit fitness into all off this. Omg don’t get me started on this Oxy-Powder cleanse I have been doing for the last six days!!!! I have to find time to fit “me time” in to my schedule. Kindergarten has homework??? Wtf??? Anyhow just a quickie, hope to write soon when I get a moment to sit and think!!! XOXOXOXO…..MOM-E.
What a freaking lovely day today was. I drove with a crabby hungover hubby for 3 hours round trip to run an errand. I laughed and teased him that I felt great. He has cut way back since I have stopped, but the night before he hung with the bff. I told him to come to bed at 10:30 pm, he had to get up early since he need to run this said errand. He said I’m fine. I said ok, but you are gonna regret it. Well I was right, of course. He said I should have forced him…lol that never worked with me. Anyhow…It’s soooooo nice that out of the last 55 days that I started this journey that 54 of my mornings were amazing feel good mornings. Alas, I reset my counter due to the fact I felt like shit the morning after the 4th of July and Belle’s challenge invite. So no use in mourning that reset. It really cemented my desire to be free of alcohol. I needed that harsh reality that the true journey of my life has no space for booze. I found out today that hubs had talked to his Dad yesterday about his cutting back and my quitting all together. There, I guess that takes the pressure out of the upcoming vacation with them. I was worried about the temptations of vacation wolfie, but it sooooo makes it easier when people know you quit. There is zero shame in putting that beast down. Oh, but being a lush with your kids around the in-laws, well that mother of the year material….not!
So we drove home, went to an awesome lunch. I had the most amazing raspberry chipotle chicken salad, no dressing needed. Then came home did chores, played wii for hours with the kiddies. All while poor hubs tried to nap off his hangover, but couldn’t cuz kids were so loud and happy playing with me. Awwwww…not sorry for you:-)! Later we got some pizza and took kids and dog to park to play as the sun went down. My muscles were sore from my new exercise kick, but I didn’t mind as I ran around playing hide and seek. Had I still been drinking the voodoo vino, I would not have had this productive Saturday. I would have been on the couch sipping away tonight instead of going to the park enjoying my kids and the lovely summer evening. Ummm yeah…best decision ever made…quitting the hooch!
Alcohol sucks ass. I hate it and it hates me. I had some beers (stupid unfiltered micro brews) last night while lighting fireworks. I didn’t eat dinner. Woke up feeling like a nasty bum. I absolutely abhor hangovers. I know God was like “See my dear, now was that worth it? Haven’t you been loving how you feel since you stopped?” No God it wasn’t worth it. I was tired all day at work. I ate bad today. Ugh!!!!! I have no tolerance anymore for it. I didn’t get mean or nasty. I just went to sleep. But when I woke up I was not happy at all. I couldn’t fathom how I was ever able to function hungover like I used to. Big slap in the face….Whaaaaaaap….you dumb girl….you love being sober! Duh….done done done. I don’t even want to moderate it, I don’t want to give it one second of my energy. I love my sober blogging family, thank you for putting up with my blubbering ass! I know a lot of us newbies have these blips and bumps, but it is all about learning the lessons if your heart is truely ready. So yes God thank you for setting my ass straight again and not giving up on me.
OK so in keeping with this whole honesty thing . . . I had a beer at lunch yesterday with hubs. Last week my friend came out for a few days. I didn’t drink the first day, she did. I had two normal sized drinks the next day. The day after we hung by the pool as my two girlfriends drank and I did not. I mindfully did not want anymore than I had. I wasn’t feigning for more. I had what I had and was content. I did not get drunk or feel tipsy. I do not ever want to be drunk again. I know I need to not let myself slip back into that fuck it mentality. I was depressed for awhile and used alcohol as an escape, I didn’t care. I snapped my ass out of it, I do care now!! For a period of 6 months I just checked out. I know how unhealthy and horrible it was to drink to excess, I hated it. I love waking up every day and feeling good. I am not willing to give that up! I promised myself and my children that I would never be like that again and I intend to keep that promise. I want to keep my head clear and be in control and I know that means not having more than two drinks for me. I know it also means not drinking regularly, daily or even weekly. I have still been reading blogs and keeping my mind saturated with sober thoughts. I want to be this mindful, thoughtful person so badly. I think I am doing a fair job. I know that I am human and not perfect. I also know that this journey will not be black and white for me. I feel guilty, like I let all of you down in some way. But this is my journey and I have started down the right path finally. I may have a few bumps along the way, but as long as they are bumps and not huge pot holes to sink in to I am ok with that. Did I drink to test myself? To test my new found resolve to be a responsible adult that enjoys in moderation, like I have in the past? Yes, probably. I am super competitive even with myself. Do I want to go back to how I felt and how I acted? NOPE! Plus I still can’t get over consuming too many empty calories from alcohol, not worth the spare tire to me!!! =)
So for me, I am still on my sober journey. I still consider myself on the wagon. I still do not want to “party” or drink at social gatherings/parties. I do not want to be that annoying repetitive hot mess everyone shakes their head at. I want to be the sober person that can always drive. I want to be the person you can call at anytime and know I can help you.
I have been reading over the sober blogosphere today and I feel particularly proud of all of you out there. So many new bloggers today and new to sobriety bloggers these last few months. Along with our old faithfuls, who have been at it awhile, who are keeping on track and keeping it real. Showing us newbies that there is hope. It is such a hard thing to realize that you have a problem, and stop on your own, but then to open yourself up and blog about it…well that is monumental!! I feel pride as I read all of your journeys. I feel a sense of community… not isolation. We all know how, at our darkest moments, we all felt alone and isolated like no one else could possibly understand us. We felt like people looked down on us and our horrible drunken behavior. This blog community has been my outlet, my entertainment, and my sober buddy this last month. No judgement, just acceptance and support. I honestly think without it and all of you, I may have caved. So thank you dearly, ALL of you. You are being read, you are being heard…even if not everyone comments…we are reading!! Thank you everyone!! Please keep at it, keep sober, and keep doing what ever you need to do to stay sane without alcohol.
Sooooo I spent three hours pulling weeds in my humongous garden today. I listened to my katy perry station on pandora….TGIF pretty much sum up my party days, well minus the menage a trois and arrest warrants lol. Anyhow, I thought a lot during those three hours. Like, wow, a lot of songs I love are about drinking, oh well still like them. Then I fantasized about getting a bottle of sparkling pinot grigio and drinking it later that evening cuz I would deserve it, and I was annoyed still with hubs. Then I imaginarily felt really ashamed at myself for giving in and drinking it. I was like damn now I have to start my counter over again. Then I’m like hey I’m going on vacay in july….will I have a glass then with the in laws at a no doubt fancy dinner they will take us too? What about at the pool in the resort….wait where the hell is your mind going E? Well, you can and have controlled yourself in the past. You have only been bad recently because you were like fuck it I don’t care anymore….but I do care now. Will it be ok to just have one so I don’t look like a weirdo? They have known me for 20 years…I’m not going to be like, hey, yeah so I don’t drink anymore cuz I let it start taking over my life recently and I hated myself. I was blacking out and passing out while my five year old covered me with blankets. But I swear I’m okay now….really…no I won’t be a drunk idiot around the in-laws. I mean I know I won’t. Do I start the counter over then? Does one drink literally signify that you lost, or is getting shit canned the determining factor? And why the hell am I reasoning with myself…I do not ever plan on getting drunk ever again. I know exactly how much wine gets me to that point, so I can avoid that much like the plague. I want to be that normal drinker who drinks on rare occasions like two tops.
Am I? What am I? Am I an alcoholic or just an unhappy person who was self medicating instead of taking things head on? I have been thinking a lot lately about everything…that is what clear headed people do. Why is my fervor and passion wavering and questioning about a month from now? Why do I resent my drunk self for ruining my up coming vacation with this not drinking a drop crap? Well you dumb shit it’s because drunk E is on permanent time out in the naughty chair! Drunk E messed that up for you. (In a whiney voice) but that’s not fair I never get drunk around them, well like only once like 8 years ago and that is because some asshole was making super strong bloody marys and giving them to me. Hubby’s dad actually yelled at the guy, he had never seen me like that. I didn’t drink hard alcohol all that often and had zero tolerance for it….ok so other than that, I have been on numerous vacays with them and never get shitty. Why the fuck am I having anxiety over this…..booooohooooo.
I’m rambling, I know! But It’s my blog and I can so there. Ugh all these feelings and questions. I know the right thing is just to not at all, but can I? Am I that strong, even though I know it will be very little, to say no? They are very responsible drinkers, never over indulgent. It is easy to be that way also….Ugh I am mad at myself that I didn’t have better control so I didn’t end up here in the first place!!!!!!
The last few days have been stressful. Omg…work is craaaaaaazy (hospital), home annooooooooying (cranky hubby trying to quit smoking, kids being kids), and pms! Would have normally loved to drink it out, but I got thru sans my friend vino. I treated myself to a chocolate bar at work yesterday, and a pretty coffee (frappicino). Today I had a Dr. Pepper….yum. I am writing this on my phone and it really sucks so this will be brief. I will not give in, life is full of stress. I love finding the things that I enjoy which help ease my stress that aren’t booze related.
What are some of your stress relief tactics?