I know that in order to achieve all the thing I want out of life, that it will take hard work. 1) Quitting booze…yeah we all know how hard that is. 2) Being a fabulous mother with tons of patience and minimal cussing…omg wow prolly harder than not drinking. 3) Getting in shape…you mean I must work out and eat like only 1200 calories a day? 4) Getting my finances under control and eeek following a budget….what I don’t get everything I want because I choose to be sober, like daily prizes and shit (oops I cussed)? 5) A clean, clutter free home that is organized….lololololol now that is just a sheer pipe dream.
I know that this last week I tried something new and wholly heck, its freaking dang amazeballs (see I wanted to cuss a little there but I held back)! My bff is a beach body coach and is always yelling at my head to quit being lazy and workout and eat right… blah blah blah. Ok, so I ordered some Shakeology mix and some workout videos to shut her up. I have been drinking these shakes for the last six days with a scoop of Green Vibrance (a separate super food mix), also hubs is drinking them too. OMG my energy is up and I have been working out and cleaning and organizing like a mad woman. I ordered a second bag of chocolate flavor for the little ones because to be honest they don’t eat their fruits and veggies. I am floored by the difference I feel with these shakes, and they taste good. But most of all my mood is like 100% better. I expected when I stopped saucing it up so much I would just magically feel like a million buck, nope. I tried to eat well but I know I fell well below the mark. I realized my body was lacking in nutrition soooo much that it was affecting my mood so poorly and my motivation sucked. A well nourished body feels so very different. I get excited to make my shakes in the morning. It is weird. I used to make fruit and veg smoothies but I could nowhere come near the amount of super foods in my new shake blend. I watched the commercials for this product before and I was like they are so full of malarkey. But no way, a few of us at work are drinking these and I am not the only one who thinks they are like a healthy crack alternative. I seriously must have these shakes everyday for the rest of my life. In fact it’s five pm, I had my shake at 7 am and I am going to work out now. I WOULD HAVE NEVER EVER SAID THAT TWO WEEKS AGO! I would have laughed at your face and said what it’s not 5 o’clock, it’s Sit o’clock.
Hey all!! I just sitting at work thinking I need to shout out to my blogging family. I have been swooped into a fitness challenge by my bff. So I have videos coming and shakes, all this stuff I probably didn’t need. I know it is actually simple to get fit, eat less than you burn a day and poof you loose weight. But it is more fun with friends, just like it is easier to quit drinking with support, so here I am. I also found these crazy Kangoo Jumps and am super excited to try them. They are actually a super efficient way to exercise, and reduce stress and injury to the body by 80%. So instead of spending money on booze I am spending it on health related stuff. Not to shabby of a trade right? So wish me luck and not to break a leg lol!!! Check this out looks sooooooooo fun!
Things I love about being sober…1) My marriage is 100 times better. 2) I am a way more patient mother. 3) I am still fun and funny without alcohol, my personality only gets better sober. 4) My friends are still my friends, drinking or not they still like hanging out with me. 5) Mornings don’t suck anymore. 6) My stomach looks waaaaaaay better. 7) I am a hell of a lot more productive sans booze. 8) I don’t feel guilt or shame on a regular basis, if at all. 9) I am happier, even with everyday stresses. 10) I don’t feel like I am killing myself slowly. 11) I feel in complete control, alcohol scares the shit out of me because when I would blackout most times I would not go to sleep. I would be up doing or saying crazy shit. On Christmas night two years ago we had some friends over, we drank of course. I don’t remember the last part of the evening, but I was told the next day I was laying down in bed with a popcorn factory tub shoveling it in to my mouth. I was so drunk. My friend tried to take it away from me so I wouldn’t choke on it and I straight up growled at her, like tigress protecting her kill. Needless to say I woke up a midst a sea of crumbled popcorn kernels. Nice! 12) I remember random shit like Rain Man, my brain freaking works now it’s great. 13) I feel hope while not drinking regularly vs. the doomsday mentality I used to have about every thing. 14) I had some crazy stuff happen at work and I was able to handle it calmly and smartly, instead of freaking out because I felt like a steaming pile with a foggy head. 15) This blogging community and the support I have found here. I don’t feel like a big fat loser (or alone in this), because I can’t handle my booze. I feel empowered by everyone’s honesty. And if I slip up I am not judged, just encouraged to move forward.
I think there is no one right way to get and stay sober. AA works for a lot of people. Others find the help they need online and can do it on the down low. I am honest in my real life I tell people “Hey I am a sucky drunk when I drink too much. It was getting to be too much drinking, too often lately and I had to stop before I or my kids got hurt.” I don’t know if it will be forever, I’m pretty sure it has to be nothing for some years. I hate to say that I can’t a few years from now have a glass of wine from time to time. And I mean one glass. But I know in this moment of my life it has to be nothing. I know deep down honestly in my heart I need to not let a drop pass my lips. I fear the not knowing when to stop. I am afraid of my drunk self and the destruction she causes and the people she hurts. Going to meetings isn’t my thing, but I do like the idea of calling or texting someone when that crazy urge to drink starts up and won’t go away. I don’t know who it would be for me. But the concept is great and I think I would like it.
One to clean, do yard work, and cook. One to be a mom and play with my kids all day. One to go to work. The last one of me would be solely for me, to chill, read, write, exercise etc. My mind is always full, buzzing with the to do list. Hence my alias, Mind-full Mom-E. I feel I fall short in every single area of my life because there is always something that needs to be done. Being a mom of little ones there is never a free moment. I would love to write more but that requires a quiet period of time and focus. I don’t even get to use the bathroom alone. I feel constant stress over this lack of enough me’s to go around. Drink helped me check out of my head space and numb this feeling of inadequacy. However, it made me more inadequate due to the hangovers. I really was not productive then. So how the hell do I deal with the anxiety I feel over not being able to do enough and feeling guilty about it? I look around my home even while relaxing at the end of the day and think …oh look at that spot on the wall I need to touch up…or I need to reorganize the kids clothes again…or I have to fill out the preschool paper work…etc. I almost shut down and do nothing. I go to bed late because my girl is a night owl and wake up early because my son is a rooster. I am chronically sleep deprived, ugh. I am truly a hamster on a wheel, aka my hammie. My bff named my alter ego this. I never am fully focused in the moment, and I literally always am thinking of the next thing on the list. In this journey of changing my mental programing, I need to figure out how to handle all this sober and when it is ok to just leave it for another day and not feel bad about it. I am wondering how the hell to do it!!!!! I know I put the stress on myself, no one is giving me deadlines but me. Why the hell is it so hard to keep it all straight?
So as I was cleaning house today I was playing Pandora on my Katy Perry station of course. This song comes on Part of Me. I pretty much sums up how I am feeling about breaking up with booze. Now my family thinks I am so silly because I put the ear buds in and sing loudly while I am cleaning. I cannot do boring tasks like cleaning without my music. I hear this song and I think that’s it! That is my song! Oh and I wanted a drink so bad today, not because I was sad or bored. I was like man I deserve some wine after cleaning up after all these people. But if it was truly only a glass or two then I wouldn’t be in this 100 day challenge or doing this blog so there.
So picking up where I left off . . . I had a great vacation. While I wasn’t sick as a dog hungover, I did drink. I wasn’t getting trashed yet a couple nights were hazy right before bed. I was doing Belle’s challenge and felt soooooo bad about failing it. I get home don’t drink for a few days then old habits start to play out. Kids stressing me out, me just wanting to relax . . . oh hey there is some pinot in the fridge. Fast forward two bottles of wine, no dinner, one drunk dial to my sister in law that I vaguely remember. Maybe some crying involved, idk what the heck about. Then nothing, I black out on the couch. I wake up in the morning….WHAT THE HELL!!! Really self???!!! What the heck were you thinking???!!! I wasn’t hungover but the stomach virus that my son had hit me and I wished I was hungover because it would have felt better. Divine punishment . . . probably not but sure a coincidence. The worst part of it all was my 5 yr old daughter got the flu in the middle of the night and tried to wake me up. She was yelling at me to wake up but I didn’t budge. She ended up vomiting all over the rug in front of the couch. I didn’t wake up when my child needed me because I was passed out. Hubby cleaned it all up, covered me up and took off my glasses. He kissed me, he gets so sad when I do this. I was so fucking mad at myself. Wow, am I waiting for something really bad to happen before I get it straight that I SHOULD NOT DRINK AT ALL!!!!! I just don’t have it in me to moderate all the time. I immediately emailed Belle and told her to give my spot in the challenge to someone more deserving. It was clear I could not do it. She emailed me back and told me that my spot was my spot and that it could not be given away. I am number 1336, it would be waiting for me when I wanted to really start again and start feeling good. I wanted to cry. Someone I had never met was not letting me throw in the towel or give up. I responded quickly to reset me and now I am on Day 5 again for the third time. This has to be the charm because I love my family too much not to be there for them. And once again I am amazed by God’s love and protection over me and my kids even when I am not so wary of protecting myself or them. He is even using perfect strangers to pull me back into His arms and the sober nest.
I am amazed by the support. Even my sister in law told me the next day that she was quitting smoking and drinking on my day one also, and that my drunk call couldn’t have come at a better time. She was drinking her last bottle of wine the night I called. Lol, I am so happy my crazy drunk dial could inspire someone that quitting really was a good thing!!!
I am back from vacation with two sick kids in tow. A nasty stomach virus. I just wanted to pop in and say hi. I have lots to share but I am short on time. I have been cleaning things up from both ends for days now. Yuck! I can’t wait to get back to reading all of your blogs. I have lots of catching up to do. Xoxoxoxoxo!