One to clean, do yard work, and cook. One to be a mom and play with my kids all day. One to go to work. The last one of me would be solely for me, to chill, read, write, exercise etc. My mind is always full, buzzing with the to do list. Hence my alias, Mind-full Mom-E. I feel I fall short in every single area of my life because there is always something that needs to be done. Being a mom of little ones there is never a free moment. I would love to write more but that requires a quiet period of time and focus. I don’t even get to use the bathroom alone. I feel constant stress over this lack of enough me’s to go around. Drink helped me check out of my head space and numb this feeling of inadequacy. However, it made me more inadequate due to the hangovers. I really was not productive then. So how the hell do I deal with the anxiety I feel over not being able to do enough and feeling guilty about it? I look around my home even while relaxing at the end of the day and think …oh look at that spot on the wall I need to touch up…or I need to reorganize the kids clothes again…or I have to fill out the preschool paper work…etc. I almost shut down and do nothing. I go to bed late because my girl is a night owl and wake up early because my son is a rooster. I am chronically sleep deprived, ugh. I am truly a hamster on a wheel, aka my hammie. My bff named my alter ego this. I never am fully focused in the moment, and I literally always am thinking of the next thing on the list. In this journey of changing my mental programing, I need to figure out how to handle all this sober and when it is ok to just leave it for another day and not feel bad about it. I am wondering how the hell to do it!!!!! I know I put the stress on myself, no one is giving me deadlines but me. Why the hell is it so hard to keep it all straight?
So as I was cleaning house today I was playing Pandora on my Katy Perry station of course. This song comes on Part of Me. I pretty much sums up how I am feeling about breaking up with booze. Now my family thinks I am so silly because I put the ear buds in and sing loudly while I am cleaning. I cannot do boring tasks like cleaning without my music. I hear this song and I think that’s it! That is my song! Oh and I wanted a drink so bad today, not because I was sad or bored. I was like man I deserve some wine after cleaning up after all these people. But if it was truly only a glass or two then I wouldn’t be in this 100 day challenge or doing this blog so there.
So picking up where I left off . . . I had a great vacation. While I wasn’t sick as a dog hungover, I did drink. I wasn’t getting trashed yet a couple nights were hazy right before bed. I was doing Belle’s challenge and felt soooooo bad about failing it. I get home don’t drink for a few days then old habits start to play out. Kids stressing me out, me just wanting to relax . . . oh hey there is some pinot in the fridge. Fast forward two bottles of wine, no dinner, one drunk dial to my sister in law that I vaguely remember. Maybe some crying involved, idk what the heck about. Then nothing, I black out on the couch. I wake up in the morning….WHAT THE HELL!!! Really self???!!! What the heck were you thinking???!!! I wasn’t hungover but the stomach virus that my son had hit me and I wished I was hungover because it would have felt better. Divine punishment . . . probably not but sure a coincidence. The worst part of it all was my 5 yr old daughter got the flu in the middle of the night and tried to wake me up. She was yelling at me to wake up but I didn’t budge. She ended up vomiting all over the rug in front of the couch. I didn’t wake up when my child needed me because I was passed out. Hubby cleaned it all up, covered me up and took off my glasses. He kissed me, he gets so sad when I do this. I was so fucking mad at myself. Wow, am I waiting for something really bad to happen before I get it straight that I SHOULD NOT DRINK AT ALL!!!!! I just don’t have it in me to moderate all the time. I immediately emailed Belle and told her to give my spot in the challenge to someone more deserving. It was clear I could not do it. She emailed me back and told me that my spot was my spot and that it could not be given away. I am number 1336, it would be waiting for me when I wanted to really start again and start feeling good. I wanted to cry. Someone I had never met was not letting me throw in the towel or give up. I responded quickly to reset me and now I am on Day 5 again for the third time. This has to be the charm because I love my family too much not to be there for them. And once again I am amazed by God’s love and protection over me and my kids even when I am not so wary of protecting myself or them. He is even using perfect strangers to pull me back into His arms and the sober nest.
I am amazed by the support. Even my sister in law told me the next day that she was quitting smoking and drinking on my day one also, and that my drunk call couldn’t have come at a better time. She was drinking her last bottle of wine the night I called. Lol, I am so happy my crazy drunk dial could inspire someone that quitting really was a good thing!!!
I am back from vacation with two sick kids in tow. A nasty stomach virus. I just wanted to pop in and say hi. I have lots to share but I am short on time. I have been cleaning things up from both ends for days now. Yuck! I can’t wait to get back to reading all of your blogs. I have lots of catching up to do. Xoxoxoxoxo!
We are here….after nine hours of travel yesterday! Omg….my kids first long car trip, they were nuts by the end. Then I get here and didn’t get the room I wanted. I was soooooooo pissed. I was coveting that room for months, because of the bathroom! It has a glorious sink in tub with jets. Now mind you I have tiny bathrooms at home, and my back and neck have been killing me. So I built it all up in my head sinking into this amazing tub and relaxing…..then BAM! Bubble pops as my mil tells me I have to take the other room cuz its closer to the kids room…and our room has a queen plus a twin so if one the kids want to sleep with us it’s better….blah blah blah. Oh and their friends are coming and they get the room I wanted. I’m like really? WTF? All the rooms are on the same floor…what the hell does it matter? Plus the tv in the room we have is in a stupid spot. I told her months ago I wanted the awesome room and why. So being massively sunburned, pms-ing, tired from driving nine hours, and back aching…I threw the equivalent of a tantrum last night. I went straight to my assigned bedroom to huffily put away our stuff as I muttered under my breath how stupid it was that I had to stay in this stupid room. I wanted the walk in closet with the massive bathroom! These in laws and their friends have loads of money, their houses are nice…they experience this allllllll the time! Why the hell can’t I for once get one small luxury? I was ready to get in the car in the morning and drive home. My hubby couldn’t understand why I was so mad, boys could bath with a garden hose they don’t care about shit like that. UGH!
Ok so I wake up this morning, still mad. I post to my gratitude group while feeling quite ungratitudy. Hubs leaves with his Dad to do some junking. I seriously take like 2 hours to get ready. Mil asks me if I want to take the kids to the stables. I say sure when I am done getting ready…which I leisurely do for another hour. Sunriver, Oregon is a resort town. There is a shuttle that takes you anywhere you want to go. It’s gorgeous here. I mean I am staying two houses down from Mr. Nike. Yes, that’s right his name is Nike for real…and he owns the company. The house I’m in is amazingly beautiful. Yes all this and I am sulking like a spoiled brat. So I try to change my attitude a bit, ok there is still a hot tub for my back. Then my mil asks if I am ready to leave, I say yeah grudgingly. She then hands me money for expenses and tells me to let her know if I need more, plus hands me a resort card that charges everything back to the house… food, excursions, shopping…whatever I want. Then she tells me my spa appointment is booked for tomorrow. Yep I now feel like asshole of the year. Okie dokie…out of the poor me funk now in the I’m a jerk funk. So what is the lesson? Don’t be a brat when you aren’t paying for anything….be grateful you gotta go in the first place! Am I super emotional because I stopped drinking and think I should get exactly what I want all the time? I mean I almost cried last night. Oh poor me…free vacation and I am stomping my feet like a child over a damn bathroom? Wow…what an emotional roller coaster. Jeez. Sorry for the ranting, but I have to process all these crazy feelings.
What a freaking lovely day today was. I drove with a crabby hungover hubby for 3 hours round trip to run an errand. I laughed and teased him that I felt great. He has cut way back since I have stopped, but the night before he hung with the bff. I told him to come to bed at 10:30 pm, he had to get up early since he need to run this said errand. He said I’m fine. I said ok, but you are gonna regret it. Well I was right, of course. He said I should have forced him…lol that never worked with me. Anyhow…It’s soooooo nice that out of the last 55 days that I started this journey that 54 of my mornings were amazing feel good mornings. Alas, I reset my counter due to the fact I felt like shit the morning after the 4th of July and Belle’s challenge invite. So no use in mourning that reset. It really cemented my desire to be free of alcohol. I needed that harsh reality that the true journey of my life has no space for booze. I found out today that hubs had talked to his Dad yesterday about his cutting back and my quitting all together. There, I guess that takes the pressure out of the upcoming vacation with them. I was worried about the temptations of vacation wolfie, but it sooooo makes it easier when people know you quit. There is zero shame in putting that beast down. Oh, but being a lush with your kids around the in-laws, well that mother of the year material….not!
So we drove home, went to an awesome lunch. I had the most amazing raspberry chipotle chicken salad, no dressing needed. Then came home did chores, played wii for hours with the kiddies. All while poor hubs tried to nap off his hangover, but couldn’t cuz kids were so loud and happy playing with me. Awwwww…not sorry for you:-)! Later we got some pizza and took kids and dog to park to play as the sun went down. My muscles were sore from my new exercise kick, but I didn’t mind as I ran around playing hide and seek. Had I still been drinking the voodoo vino, I would not have had this productive Saturday. I would have been on the couch sipping away tonight instead of going to the park enjoying my kids and the lovely summer evening. Ummm yeah…best decision ever made…quitting the hooch!
Ok awhile back I posted a couple picks of some swimsuits I ordered. They were chinese sizing, lol, so I had to get an XL. Jeez…anyhow I got them. Mind you I have only exercised once, eeeeeek. I wondered if I was going to have to grease myself up to fit into them. I jumped around, yanked, pulled and got those bitches on, they are like an american medium. Now I still have a ways to go in the being fit department, in fact after I post I am going to workout. I am only posting the pics because a… it’s anonymous and b…I cropped out my head…heeehee.
Now I need a tan baaaaaaad….and could lose some pounds. But I am freaking thrilled, working with what I got. Day 7…again….is a good day. Gotta go….gotta get to sweating!