I wish there were four of me…

One to clean, do yard work, and cook. One to be a mom and play with my kids all day. One to go to work. The last one of me would be solely for me, to chill, read, write, exercise etc. My mind is always full, buzzing with the to do list. Hence my alias, Mind-full Mom-E. I feel I fall short in every single area of my life because there is always something that needs to be done. Being a mom of little ones there is never a free moment. I would love to write more but that requires a quiet period of time and focus. I don’t even get to use the bathroom alone. I feel constant stress over this lack of enough me’s to go around. Drink helped me check out of my head space and numb this feeling of inadequacy. However, it made me more inadequate due to the hangovers. I really was not productive then. So how the hell do I deal with the anxiety I feel over not being able to do enough and feeling guilty about it? I look around my home even while relaxing at the end of the day and think …oh look at that spot on the wall I need to touch up…or I need to reorganize the kids clothes again…or I have to fill out the preschool paper work…etc. I almost shut down and do nothing. I go to bed late because my girl is a night owl and wake up early because my son is a rooster. I am chronically sleep deprived, ugh. I am truly a hamster on a wheel, aka my hammie. My bff named my alter ego this. I never am fully focused in the moment, and I literally always am thinking of the next thing on the list. In this journey of changing my mental programing, I need to figure out how to handle all this sober and when it is ok to just leave it for another day and not feel bad about it. I am wondering how the hell to do it!!!!! I know I put the stress on myself, no one is giving me deadlines but me. Why the hell is it so hard to keep it all straight?

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4 thoughts on “I wish there were four of me…

  1. OMG its like reading about me! My partner despairs that I cant just relax and not worry about every little thing that needs doing. i was constantly tiding and house work and paperwork etc when really I should be having time with my daughter or reading a book. I think my problem was I worried about what other people think, ‘would they think my house was dirty (bearing in mind we have hardly any visitors anyway?) would people notice I hadnt done something that needed doing? Would they think I couldnt cope if I left something to another day? – i have found since giving up drinking and not being so anxious through hangovers has helped me decide (and it is hard to do daily) not to worry at al what other people think and this removes some of the stress and anxiety I feel about all my responsibilities and stuff. One weekend day a week now I have a no phone/laptop day with my little girl too which helps, it means your not looking at all the other people doing things, talking about their days and making you wonder if you should be doing the same… anyway, I find this is helping massively. I also have a week to do list where I put my housework and things to do over a week or two and then just do them a couple a day, that helps too, You know it needs to be done and you know you have it allocated to a day so you dont have to do it now. If you see something needs doing just add it to a clear day. Anyway hope some of this helps. Being sober makes it easier to live but I fund it makes it harder to deal with real life too!

    • So true that last part. I am trying to learn to cut myself some slack. I had a really productive day today, did lots and played with kiddos. Now I’m plopped on the couch and it feels great. I need to do the list thing. Maybe it will inspire hubby too wink wink!

  2. I just wrote about this same thing. Being sober means no stopping to pour the wine. Gotta find a balance. But they won’t be little forever! My son never slept a night till he was four. You’re doing great MM and you’re doing it sober, which is the best thing for those little chickens of yours xx

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