Let’s be honest . . .

So picking up where I left off . . . I had a great vacation.  While I wasn’t sick as a dog hungover, I did drink.  I wasn’t getting trashed yet a couple nights were hazy right before bed.  I was doing Belle’s challenge and felt soooooo bad about failing it.  I get home don’t drink for a few days then old habits start to play out.  Kids stressing me out, me just wanting to relax . . . oh hey there is some pinot in the fridge.  Fast forward two bottles of wine, no dinner, one drunk dial to my sister in law that I vaguely remember. Maybe some crying involved, idk what the heck about.  Then nothing, I black out on the couch.  I wake up in the morning….WHAT THE HELL!!!  Really self???!!!  What the heck were you thinking???!!!  I wasn’t hungover but the stomach virus that my son had hit me and I wished I was hungover because it would have felt better. Divine punishment . . . probably not but sure a coincidence.  The worst part of it all was my 5 yr old daughter got the flu in the middle of the night and tried to wake me up.  She was yelling at me to wake up but I didn’t budge.  She ended up vomiting all over the rug in front of the couch.  I didn’t wake up when my child needed me because I was passed out.  Hubby cleaned it all up, covered me up and took off my glasses.  He kissed me, he gets so sad when I do this.  I was so fucking mad at myself.  Wow, am I waiting for something really bad to happen before I get it straight that I SHOULD NOT DRINK AT ALL!!!!!  I just don’t have it in me to moderate all the time.  I immediately emailed Belle and told her to give my spot in the challenge to someone more deserving.  It was clear I could not do it.  She emailed me back and told me that my spot was my spot and that it could not be given away.  I am number 1336, it would be waiting for me when I wanted to really start again and start feeling good.  I wanted to cry.  Someone I had never met was not letting me throw in the towel or give up.  I responded quickly to reset me and now I am on Day 5 again for the third time.  This has to be the charm because I love my family too much not to be there for them.  And once again I am amazed by God’s love and protection over me and my kids even when I am not so wary of protecting myself or them.  He is even using perfect strangers to pull me back into His arms and the sober nest.  

I am amazed by the support.  Even my sister in law told me the next day that she was quitting smoking and drinking on my day one also, and that my drunk call couldn’t have come at a better time.  She was drinking her last bottle of wine the night I called.  Lol, I am so happy my crazy drunk dial could inspire someone that quitting really was a good thing!!!

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14 thoughts on “Let’s be honest . . .

  1. We quit when we absolutely can admit that we have no control of our drinking. I’m not trying to be a downer here… because whatever motivation that serves you is a good thing… but doing a 100 day challenge is really just a way of moderating your drinking. I remember saying to myself, “I’ll just not drink this week, or month, or day”. That is just moderation… it isn’t a resolve to changing your life. You can do this, and you will, when you are really ready. I applaud your efforts. I’m only speaking from my own experience. I wish you luck and will continue to follow your blog 🙂

  2. Good on you for owning up, for analysing what happened and what you really want. Keep at it- it took me several (many) attempts at the 100 day challenge where I said 100 days but really I knew I had to give up for good, and here I am, almost at 7 months sober.

    My sponsor used to say to me in the toughest early days “just focus on getting your head on the pillow sober tonight” and that helped me get through each day.

    We’re here for you x x x

    • Thank you Fit, your support and everyone elses helps keep me sane and focused even when I slip up. I feel the support I have here has helped me from completely just giving up. Congrats on 7 months. . . I hope to be there this time finally!

  3. I want this 100 day challenge to lead to..lets make it 200….how about 300….a year…oh hey I really don’t need that shit…life has been better…lets try a non stop challenge….etc. I know after years of drinking I am just fooling myself if I say I can control it….I can’t. I am proud that I keep not giving up. Life is more peaceful and calm without it…I need that. You are not a downer! Support and constructive comments are always welcome!

  4. I understand it all, I’m pretty much in the same boat. For me, the 100 day challenge has gotten me to sober days I would have never had otherwise. When we take on a challenge like this, the goal is to feel the effects of our NOT drinking for a longer period of time..so, that we never ever want to go back. Thinking of forever is debilitating sometimes, but, truthfully- the ‘mess ups’ for me are teaching me how HARD it is to stop again, and how desperately I need to wipe this out of my life. Day 3. Congrats on Day 5, and thanks for writing about it, you CAN do this!!!! xx

    • Mall…my mess ups remind me again and again and again…that drinking does nothing good for me….yes I feel the same about the challenge too. I try not to think of forever just today . . . it helps me not to go crazy. Big love and support from here you aren’t the only one starting over congrats to you for not throwing in the towel!

  5. I read this yesterday – I’m not where I need to be but thank God I’m not where I was.

    Keep it up. Keep the faith.

  6. Hey Mom-E, I love your honesty and I reckon that being honest and true to your self is admirable, empowering and not as easy as it sounds. Sending you love from The Sober Garden x.

  7. Please don’t beat yourself up ❤ just refocus and start again. You have so much happening in your life at the moment that you should just be proud of where you are at. It's like you have tripped, stumbled and fallen. Just get up, shake yourself off and start again. We are human, we do things that we regret but each time it teaches us a lesson to learn from and be stronger next time.

    • Thanks Fg…I learn every time how much I do not like alcohol…it lies at the time telling me it will be fun…I won’t drink too much…it will be ok the next morning….but its a 50/50 crap shoot. Thank u for the support!

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