Sooooo I spent three hours pulling weeds in my humongous garden today. I listened to my katy perry station on pandora….TGIF pretty much sum up my party days, well minus the menage a trois and arrest warrants lol. Anyhow, I thought a lot during those three hours. Like, wow, a lot of songs I love are about drinking, oh well still like them. Then I fantasized about getting a bottle of sparkling pinot grigio and drinking it later that evening cuz I would deserve it, and I was annoyed still with hubs. Then I imaginarily felt really ashamed at myself for giving in and drinking it. I was like damn now I have to start my counter over again. Then I’m like hey I’m going on vacay in july….will I have a glass then with the in laws at a no doubt fancy dinner they will take us too? What about at the pool in the resort….wait where the hell is your mind going E? Well, you can and have controlled yourself in the past. You have only been bad recently because you were like fuck it I don’t care anymore….but I do care now. Will it be ok to just have one so I don’t look like a weirdo? They have known me for 20 years…I’m not going to be like, hey, yeah so I don’t drink anymore cuz I let it start taking over my life recently and I hated myself. I was blacking out and passing out while my five year old covered me with blankets. But I swear I’m okay now….really…no I won’t be a drunk idiot around the in-laws. I mean I know I won’t. Do I start the counter over then? Does one drink literally signify that you lost, or is getting shit canned the determining factor? And why the hell am I reasoning with myself…I do not ever plan on getting drunk ever again. I know exactly how much wine gets me to that point, so I can avoid that much like the plague. I want to be that normal drinker who drinks on rare occasions like two tops.
Am I? What am I? Am I an alcoholic or just an unhappy person who was self medicating instead of taking things head on? I have been thinking a lot lately about everything…that is what clear headed people do. Why is my fervor and passion wavering and questioning about a month from now? Why do I resent my drunk self for ruining my up coming vacation with this not drinking a drop crap? Well you dumb shit it’s because drunk E is on permanent time out in the naughty chair! Drunk E messed that up for you. (In a whiney voice) but that’s not fair I never get drunk around them, well like only once like 8 years ago and that is because some asshole was making super strong bloody marys and giving them to me. Hubby’s dad actually yelled at the guy, he had never seen me like that. I didn’t drink hard alcohol all that often and had zero tolerance for it….ok so other than that, I have been on numerous vacays with them and never get shitty. Why the fuck am I having anxiety over this…..booooohooooo.
I’m rambling, I know! But It’s my blog and I can so there. Ugh all these feelings and questions. I know the right thing is just to not at all, but can I? Am I that strong, even though I know it will be very little, to say no? They are very responsible drinkers, never over indulgent. It is easy to be that way also….Ugh I am mad at myself that I didn’t have better control so I didn’t end up here in the first place!!!!!!