After five years and much complaning from my husband, I put the kids in their own beds last night. Our king sized bed was getting rather cramped these days! I was so tired of getting kicked or my hair pulled, or them fighting over who gets to sleep next to mom. My hubs gave up and just started sleeping on the couch. Every morning he would wake up with his back out. Now that I am sober I have the patience and energy to be firm and keep them in their beds. My little one wakes up halfway thru the night and crawls in bed with me, but I was ready for this. But my older one realized she had to sleep in her own bed and stayed there all night. I used to think it was going to be so hard to get them to do this I just never tried. My energy was being put in the wrong place. I realized that things are easier now that I’m clear headed…duh!
I have my share of stress, bills, etc., but I am not doomed. I used to feel doomed, a side effect of alcohol. It caused more fighting, more exasperation with my kids, more problems period! Every morning in that haze right before I am fully awake I think “Okay how am I going to feel?…Wait, I dont drink anymore…I’m going to feel good!” That is such a great feeling that I do an imaginary fist pump. I’m still not used to it. Isn’t that sad that I’m not used to waking up most days feeling good? I didn’t drink heavy everyday but I think just the cummulative effects were getting to me. Poor sleep, unhealthy eating, no exercise. WTF was I doing to myself? I work in health care at a hospital. I see all the time what long term alcohol abuse does to the body and mind. Especially women, it hits us faster and harder than men. Brain damage, dementia, liver disease, cancer, etc….and your looks are horrible! Nothing is worth that. So in hindsight, had I continued drinking I would have negatively impacted my immediate life but also in my older age I would have then again become a burden on my children due to failing health. I do not want to grow old with regret. I talk to many older people in my job. Alot of them live with mountains of regret, wishing fervently they could go back and do things differently. They beg me not to make their mistakes. They tell me to cherish every moment, as life is so fleeting.
The day I stopped drinking all these thoughts were swimming thru my head. Hence, the Mind-Full Mom-E pseudonym. It fit’s perfectly. I hated myself for what I was doing to myself and my family. I was robbing us of my best me. I am fortunate to be able to repair the brokeness, to undo the damage this lifestyle reeked. I have to keep this fresh in my mind and keep it full of these reminders as to why I choose to quit. I have to wear them like armor, to keep my will reinforced. I have no choice but to be strong, weakness is not an option for me. I made promises to my family and God that I would never act like that again and I intend to keep it. I write this blog truely for myself, like therapy I guess. I want to be able to hold myself accountable. If I help others not feel so alone in all this, that is amazing! I wish all of you peace in whatever you are going thru. Prayer does work…try it…I did. God does give you peace and help if you truely want it.