Ok, now I’m going to write about the events that lead up to my decision to quit the sauce for good. I had been drinking alot more frequently in the last six months. I was using stress and the need to relax as my excuse for over indulging. At least twice a week I was getting shnockered. I am not very nice when I get drunk, one stupid little thing will set me off. I have that awesome Irish/German temper. I was trying to reason with myself, and I had given up hard alcohol already a long time ago. But I love wine….red or white….love love love! I could kill one bottle like nothing, and if I had another bottle I would crack that. So trying to be a responsible drinker, I reasoned that hey I don’t like beer all that much so I won’t drink alot. I thought it was a fabby idea to just drink beer while socializing….I have never blacked out or passed out on it, or done stupid shit. Yep, problem solved…..WRONG!
One of my best friends was gonna come hang like she often does. She is not a big drinker….lightweight….jeez :-). Anyhow, we were having a great time and lo and behold nine hours later I had drank like 14 or 15 beers. Now I had a good buzz, wasn’t all sloppy. Hey I knew I had alot, but I’m a rockstar and I got this! Yeah….noooooooope! My hubby managed to say something that got under my skin, and I went all Jekyll and Hyde on him. I yelled at him for three hours from 12:30 am to 3:30 am in my front yard. I’m sure I woke the neighbors. I said every horrible thing in the book, no stone was left unturned. I mean shit, he was even responsible for the drought we are in, just kidding. But you get my drift. The worst part is I knew exactly what I was doing, but couldn’t stop. My poor 5 year old daughter woke up and was begging me to go to sleep and stop fighting.
Now my hubby has his share of faults but he didn’t deserve this. When I got up later that morning I knew I fucked up big time. My daughter told me just apologize mom, it is your fault. And it was my fault. I proceeded to sob for an hour about what a big mess I was. I finally got it, I can’t drink! It doesn’t relax me or relieve my stress it makes everything worse! Usually I’m blacked out and can’t remember what I did or said, but I remembered every last crappy detail. Oh I proceeded to get a massive cry headache, hubby actually felt bad for me and made me some toast. Which I threw up, so he made me more. If the shoe was on the other foot, I would have been like serves you right jerk off. But he unbelievably forgave me when he saw my true despair. I have never accepted that I had a problem. I ALWAYS was like, I don’t drink everyday and I can have a couple and stop. It’s not my fault that I’m a small statured female and I blackout because I don’t eat when I drink alot. It was all one big fat lie. Alcohol makes liars of the best of us. Alcohol itself is a fat liar liar pants on fire. It doesn’t make you smart, sexy or cool. You actually look like a fat dumbass and people laugh at you not with you. It was 50\50 toss up whether it was gonna be a good night or bad night partying with me. When I’m good, I’m oh so good. When I’m bad, I’m very very bad!
I promised my daughter from that moment on I would put her and my younger son first. She would never have to see mommy mad like that again, or passed out on the couch. She would cover me with blankets and never leave my side. She told me she loved me sooooo much and I was her best mom ever. Well, I am their only mother and I will be damned if I ever behave like that again. It’s not an option. They are young enough to have these memories fade into nothing if I fill the future with good ones.