The proverbial straw…

Ok, now I’m going to write about the events that lead up to my decision to quit the sauce for good.  I had been drinking alot more frequently in the last six months.  I was using stress and the need to relax as my excuse for over indulging.  At least twice a week I was getting shnockered.  I am not very nice when I get drunk, one stupid little thing will set me off.  I have that awesome Irish/German temper. I was trying to reason with myself, and I had given up hard alcohol already a long time ago.  But I love wine….red or white….love love love!  I could kill one bottle like nothing, and if I had another bottle I would crack that.  So trying to be a responsible drinker, I reasoned that hey I don’t like beer all that much so I won’t drink alot.  I thought it was a fabby idea to just drink beer while socializing….I have never blacked out or passed out on it, or done stupid shit.  Yep, problem solved…..WRONG!

One of my best friends was gonna come hang like she often does.  She is not a big drinker….lightweight….jeez :-).   Anyhow, we were having a great time and lo and behold nine hours later I had drank like 14 or 15 beers.  Now I had a good buzz, wasn’t all sloppy.  Hey I knew I had alot, but I’m a rockstar and I got this!  Yeah….noooooooope!  My hubby managed to say something that got under my skin, and I went all Jekyll and Hyde on him.  I yelled at him for three hours from 12:30 am to 3:30 am in my front yard.   I’m sure I woke the  neighbors.  I said every horrible thing in the book, no stone was left unturned.  I mean shit, he was even responsible for the drought we are in, just kidding.  But you get my drift.  The worst part is I knew exactly what I was doing, but couldn’t stop. My poor 5 year old daughter woke up and was begging me to go to sleep and stop fighting.

Now my hubby has his share of faults but he didn’t deserve this.  When I got up later that morning I knew I fucked up big time.  My daughter told me just apologize mom, it is your fault.  And it was my fault.  I proceeded to sob for an hour about what a big mess I was.  I finally got it, I can’t drink!   It doesn’t relax me or relieve my stress it makes everything worse! Usually I’m blacked out and can’t remember what I did or said, but I remembered every last crappy detail.  Oh I proceeded to get a massive cry headache, hubby actually felt  bad for me and made me some toast.  Which I threw up, so he made me more.  If the shoe was on the other foot, I would have been like serves you right jerk off.  But he unbelievably forgave me when he saw my true despair.  I have never accepted that I had a problem.  I ALWAYS was like, I don’t drink everyday and I can have a couple and stop. It’s not my fault that I’m a small statured female and I blackout because I don’t eat when I drink alot.  It was all one big fat lie.  Alcohol makes liars of the best of us.  Alcohol itself is a fat liar liar pants on fire.  It doesn’t make you smart, sexy or cool.  You actually look like a fat dumbass and people laugh at you not with you.  It was  50\50 toss up whether it was gonna be a good night or bad night partying with me.  When I’m good, I’m oh so good.  When I’m bad, I’m very very bad!

I promised my daughter from that moment on I would put her and my younger son first.  She would never have to see mommy mad like that again, or passed out on the couch.  She would cover me with blankets and never leave my side.  She told me she loved me sooooo much and I was her best mom ever.  Well, I am their only mother and I will be damned if I ever behave like that again.  It’s not an option.  They are young enough to have these memories fade into nothing if I fill the future with good ones.

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11 thoughts on “The proverbial straw…

  1. I love your honesty,been there done that to the hubs only when I go off its like clothes in the boat time.I haven’t had a meltdown for a year or two, realizing I’m not a good communicator of my needs and I choose to give,give,then get bent out about it.like my post today says I missed the boundary class at school.

    • Thank you so much. I have learned to give myself me time. As a mother it seems like we are always doing doing doing for others and never for us. Drinking used to be my me time. But now I read or blog or get a mani pedi. You absolutely need to destress but not with alcohol.

  2. My book, available @ http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/leewriter — explains how addiction to alcohol isn’t really a drinking problem, it’s truly a thinking problem. You think you’re different and separate from everyone else, that you’ve got a separate, distinct “you” that you need to feed and protect and improve the public’s perception of, but that’s an illusion created by your ego.

  3. Excellent post! I am only on day 1… After a massive argument with my husband as well. My daughter saw the entire thing. She’s 10 and will remember. Today I have spent dusting myself off and nursing a hangover in the hopes that the days to come will give me a positive outlook. I am quite disgusted with myself right now :(. Thank you for not making me feel alone.

    • Thank you! And no you are not alone. Hang in there it will get better! Keep reading blogs, they helped me sooooo much. I felt like the world’s biggest bag of crap. I hated myself. I like the me that doesn’t drink.

  4. Thank you for this post and your honesty! And for finding my blog today, I needed that! I just found the courage to make it public and I’m really needing to feel more of a connection to people that are going through the same thing. Thank you thank you!! You are doing great!

    • You are so welcome mallards…it is not easy to do this…we do need support. I go thru so many emotions and reading and blogging has helped soooooo much. Keep it up! Pray, read, write, dance scream….whatever it takes!!!!

    • Thank you via! I’m want to give them a peaceful childhood….it was too crazy and chaotic living like that…I would not forgive myself if I didn’t put them before the alcohol!

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